Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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