I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
