You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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