My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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