After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
