We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
