Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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