Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
