i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
