i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
