my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
