I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
