our cab driver is having phone sex.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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