so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
