I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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