He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
