sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
