Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
