i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have aggressive nipples.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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