hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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