I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
