I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
