Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
