When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
