I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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