All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
