I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
