Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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