did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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