I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
