batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
