somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
PANTIES FOUND
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