oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
