I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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