i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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