Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
