How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
