I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
