Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
