I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
