the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
