Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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