I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
