if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
