If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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