Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
