P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
