Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
