How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
