capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
