I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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