Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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