you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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