The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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